Wal Mart tips

My life must be great, because one thing that bothers me incredibly is when I am in the "Speedy Checkout - 20 Items or less" line at Wal Mart and someone has 25+ items in their cart. Too bad I don't let the little things bother me, huh?

Keep in mind that I am allowing you five items! But that is also because I am selfish and know that occasionally I will go through with 21 or 22 items. But personally, I draw the line at 23. That is only because I am an icon of self restraint! But I know that in my Super Wal Mart in Rankin County, there are many shoppers who do not deny themselves even the smallest of comforts, so the 23 to 25 range is my way of being generous and kind. Ahem...

Anyway, I have taken to counting out loud when some asshole sports a buggyful in front of me. I have also learned the more "high-strung" shoppers tend to react best to this simple action. (Note: "High-strung" is usually gauged by any one of several indicators. My latest experiment has proven that a combination of age in sixties, hair piled several inches, and green lycra is a winning combination.) Each time the scanner beeps, just say the number out loud.

At around eight, the connection has (usually) been made as to what is going on. By around fifteen, the glares develop into a stern "I'm not listening AND you don't bother me" interest in the items.

For best results, when you get to twenty-three (or whatever you have decided your personal minimum to be) you should change the tone of your voice to something like "petulant futility". The first number is spoken with a rising intonation, with the second number dropping about a fifth and then training off to finish out an octave down. "Twenty three-eee", "Twen-ty four-rrrr", etc... This usually gets the cashier to smile knowingly and possible laugh. This has the added bonus of making the targeted consumer break their seeming trance and glower straight at you - possibly even promoting verbal emissions.

The trickiest part is deciding when to launch the "sparkler", as it were... In my experience, it's best played when you have counted at least 5 items using "petulant futility" and there are at least five items left. There could be more items, but I save this for the last 4 or 5. My tone of voice then changes to a sort of "amazed curiosity". Like "how on earth did this idiot make it this far in life without being able to read signs or count?". Merely shift the inflection on each number to a neutral intonation, but the last syllable is raised about a minor third. Make them hear the question mark! "Thirty two?", "Thirty three?", etc... Oh - if you smile the whole time you do this, the cashier usually loses it around thirty.

I have succesfully used this tactic several times, and I have only had 2 people speak to me. Even then, they were just telling me to stop it. I did have one woman throw some curses my way once she was safely on her way to the door.

I hope that you will have continued success with this tactic. Think of me fondly if you get the chance to try this.