Penitent Santa

Where I live, people take religion seriously. Except for one middle eastern family (that I know of) that lives in the more upscale section of my subdivision, I am the lone holdout from Christianity. In fact, I don't even know that we have any jewish families around us. I'm sure we do. I think. And then my "crossing-my-fingers-and-hoping-she-becomes-my-significant-other" lives just outside my subdivision. (I can't wait until I can call her my girlfriend!) Anyway, she is from a country that is 99% Shinto or Buddhist. She's not a Christian.

I have no problems with Christians. I really was one when I was younger. But when I was 8, the uber-Baptist preacher commented that "the reason hippies (this was in 1969) wear turtlenecks is to hide their flea collars." Even at that tender age, I was able to smell the taint of hypocrisy and never attended another service. Not that my integrity was so advanced, but more because "The Bullwinkle Show" aired on Sunday mornings. Anyway, I don't throw Christians to lions or persecute them in any way. In fact, I persecute no one for any religious beliefs. Hey - do what you gotta do. That's my motto. Hmm... That's not really a good motto, I guess. My point is I don't go around trying to get Christians to switch teams. However, they are all the time telling me that I'm going to hell because I don't go to church. I keep wondering why being a good person is not enough to keep me out of the pit. Maybe they just want me in church so they can keep an eye on me? Perhaps there is a signing bonus?

But I am losing focus here...

So anyway, with Christmas now arriving, everyone is putting out the decorations. I, myself, prefer fun and secular. But this being Brandon, Mississippi, most decorations tend to be religious in nature. I feel that you should stick to one or the other. If you are going fun and secular, it should be big, loud, garish and bright enough to give Entergy a hard-on. The bigger the house, the more area you have to attach lights! It should destroy the night vision of passing motorists. On the other hand, if you want the religious tone, I feel like that is best served with "simple and subdued". Colorful enough to invoke passion, yet plain enough to keep the message from being lost. Yep. Secular or religious. Go right ahead! (I am getting sick of the wire-grid deer, though. And as for the inflatable decorations? Of course the kids will shoot them with pellet guns, you idiots! You might as well pour gasoline to put out a fire!)

So I have a couple of beefs with the Christians.

First of all, Christmas is representative of the birth of the little baby Jesus. It's been a while since I read a bible, but I don't recall anything saying that the three wise men came to Bethlehem and nailed LBJ (not the president) to a cross. That's what the Easter is all about - the Easter bunny nailing big, adult Jesus to a cross! So why do you insist on putting crosses out in your front yard? And hanging a purple cloth from it? Easter! And if you insist on having a cross, do you really have to have it completely wrapped in lights so that it comes very close to looking almost like a KKK rally? A few years ago the people that lived in the house on the diagonal corner from the middle-eastern family I spoke of had a large, light-wrapped, pupil-constricting cross on the streetlight pole at the corner of their lot, pointing directly at the MEF's house. I thought they were trying to incite jihad. But I digress... Cross=Easter=dead Jesus. Christmas=manger=baby Jesus. Oh - and MEF=middle eastern family. But you knew that!

Now we get to Penitent Santa.

The other beef I have with the Christians is the habit of mixing the stories. Not too far from my house is what I like to call Penitent Santa. I just found out that more than one exists - I have seen the second one! Maybe you have, too. So it's a wooden cutout of a regulation Santa, but he has removed his jaunty hat and is holding it, clenched between his hands. His brow is lined not with the lines of jolliness and laughter, but with a serious, eyebrows raised look that can only truly be described as the look of a peptic ulcer kicking in, but is actually trying to represent humble respect, and the awe of a miracle being witnessed. He is on one knee (I think - maybe both?), kneeling, hat in hand, respectfully humble, in front of a manger in which the little baby Jesus is laying in swaddling clothes. If you were to see one of these, you would understand why the term "Penitent Santa" is so apropos. In fact, you would no doubt applaud my sheer genius! "Mr. B!" you would say. "I have to applaud your genius!" And I would be gracious and modest and tell you that I was merely doing my job.

So my beef is that Santa Claus kneeling in front of the little baby Jesus is just... Not right! (Okay - so I'm not a genius!) I'm pretty sure that there was indeed some person that the stories of Kris Kringle/Santa Claus were vaguely modeled after. I'm pretty sure he was not alive on Jesus' birthday. So not only are we unravelling the fabric of time with this display (why not have a picture of ME handing Joseph a cigar in the stable, while congratulating Mary?) but we are also crossing the commercialism/religion boundary as well. Not that I really care, because I think anyone that builds a church the size of an office buidling instead of feeding and clothing the homeless pretty much is in it for the dough anyway. But the Christians don't see it that way. They go to church, so they're going to heaven. Yes, I'm generalizing.


Now - this comes under the heading of "anything worth doing is worth doing right!" Yep, if you're going to have a Christmas display that crosses all of these boundaries, then you really should have a Santa nailed to a cross. With presents at his feet! That's an idea I wish I had come up with! Also, I did see on the news this morning that the residents of a neighborhood in Florida are trying to get the city to make a resident remove his display. He has a Santa hanging from a noose in a tree, with a blindfold on, and his hands and feet bound together. My goal now is to have a Santa in a shower with his hands cuffed over the curtain rod, and a reindeer slicing him up with a chainsaw and spraying blood everywhere, ala "Scarface". I'll bet that would make quite the impression in my neighborhood.