I can say this shit 'cuz I used to be a lard-ass, too!

Well, it appears that America's favorite left-wing scold has decided to check into a "Celebrity Fat Farm". Yes, film-maker Michael Moore has reportedly checked into a $3,800/week fat farm for a crash course in cooking properly and losing weight. "Undergo life re-education" is actually what the blurb says.

I respect Michael Moore. I agree with many of his ideas, although I own more guns than most Montana survivalists. Digression - I'm not a survivalist, and I don't hunt. Nor do I dance naked around the house while wearing a six-shooter on my hip. My father bequeathed me his collection (yes- he was part survivalist/hunter) upon his passing. Anyway, I have much respect for Michael Moore until he starts whining.

But he is (in my opinion) extremely intelligent. I would be loathe to try to confont him in any type of verbal debate as he would probably whip my ass handily without breaking a sweat.

So how come when I weighed close to 300 pounds, I just got a copy of "The South Beach Diet" and not only lost 90 pounds in 6 months, but I have also managed to keep it off for over a year? Is it because people with lots of dough are just lazy babies? Does he pay someone to wipe his ass for him? Now that I think about it, his girth would tend to hinder proper ass maintenance, so maybe he does have a personal wiper. Maybe that's the sudden reason for the attempt at weight loss?

It is reported that his goal is to lose (actually, the article said "loose") 12 pounds in 3 weeks.

For 3,800 simoleans per week.

$11,400 for 12 pounds of fat.

Oh - he also gets to learn how to cook healthy and "re-educate".

I live in Mississippi. You've heard of us? We consistently rank #49 or #50 among the U.S. in everything from education to crime (at least Arkansas is a buffer occasionally). Until yesterday, that is. That's when a report by The Trust For America's Health came out and voted Mississippi #1 in obesity! Woohoo! We win, dammit!

So after an almost failed flight medical (BP like 150/110) back in December of 2003, plus the added incentive of seeing every lard-ass in Mississippi shopping in Wal-Mart on Saturdays, I decided to do something about it. On Jan 24th 2004 I ate my last Wendy burger on a drive home from a business trip in Dallas. It was in Shreveport, in case you care.

I don't know how familiar you are with S.B. Diet, but I do not have a will of iron. I'm weak. But I am good with instructions, being the geek that I am. So I paid about $20 for this book at Wal-Mart, and started following the instructions. And I lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks. And I got really good at arguing with Atkins followers on the merits of "some" carbs versus "no" carbs.

But over the weeks I kept losing and losing. I was SUCH a loser. My goal of trying to lose 50 pounds came so fast and easy I decided to change my goal to fitting into a pair of pants that hadn't seen daylight in 10 years. Once I did that, I decided "what the f**k" and aimed for some pants I hadn't worn in 15 years. In 6 months I weighed less than I did 20 years ago. Oh yeah - the BP is now 120/80 when I leave the gym. I won't be failing any more flight medicals!

So, Michael, for 10 Gs I'll bring you a book, show you what a roasting pan and a gym looks like, remove all your cookie dough ice cream, ring-dings and Pepsi, and I will change for freaking life. In 3 weeks!

But since I don't get the gig, I will be watching. If you aren't wearing something smaller than a coleman tent in 6 months, I will be scratching you off my list.