Thursday, March 30, 2006

Don't EVEN think about messing with me!

I have friends in high places.

Today I received a letter. Well, I didn’t really receive it… The actual addressing on the envelope was to “Someone connected with this household”. But it was meant for me, since I pay the mortgage. Anyway, it’s from a very, very old and established church. 55 years established, they are. They point it out twice, so I know it’s important.

So, the Saint Matthews Churches (“Friends of Jesus for 55 glorious years of service”) cares enough about me to send me an anointed prayer rug. Well, it’s not really a rug per se… It’s actually an 11x17 paper image of the Jesus with his eyes closed. Or are they? The letter says that if you use this rug and stare at the face, the eyes will open. Oooohhhh! Creepy! Oh – and they aren’t giving it to me. They are loaning it to me. And I can only use it tonight. Then I have to send it back with my money. I also have a checklist of prayer options:

My soul
A closer walk with Jesus
My health
A family member’s health
Confusion in my home (Praying to have more confusion?)
My children
To stop a bad habit
A better job
A home to call my own
A new car
A money blessing
I want to be saved
Pray for God to bless me with this amount of money: $_______
Please, especially pray for this person: ___________

Enclosed is my seed gift to God’s work of $_____________


These next 24 hours are crucial to you. Timing is important to God. (He’s a busy dude) After you kneel on this Church Prayer Rug, or place it over your knees (what if I am an amputee?), place it in a Bible (oh, okay) on Phillipeans 4:19. If you don’t have a Bible, it’s okay – just slide it under your side of the bed, for tonight, if you can. (So you homeless people, don’t even bother!) God sees. Then, in the morning it is a must that you get this unusual blessing prayer rug out of this house and back to us, here at the church’s chapel prayer room, in faith. We must also have this letter back, with whatever you need prayer for, printed on page 2. You must get this prayer rug back to us so we can rush it onto another family that’s in need of a blessing.
Please do not try to pray by yourself. Even though God sees you, we are professionals here. After all, we've been doing this for 55 years! We will make sure that your money gets to him. But please do not try to pray without this valuable tool we are loaning you out of the goodness of our hearts. Without our help, you will not get what you rightly deserve. So help us to help you. You know that God will only answer the prayers of those that have proven to him that they believe, and nothing says believe like cold, hard cash. No checks please. Paypal accepted as well. And if you don't get what you think you deserve, then your faith is just not good enough and you should be ashamed of yourself!


At 30/3/06 12:57, Blogger Neil said...

I have to give them credit for coming up with an usual promotion. Weird. I bet you it will work with a lot of people! So, for how long did you stare at the 'rug?'

At 30/3/06 16:25, Blogger Mr Bates said...

Long enough to make my head hurt. It must be the devil trying to get out of me!!! Perhaps I should throw myself out of the window?

At 31/3/06 13:23, Blogger deadpanann said...

I got one once that was a red strip of velvety material ("representative of Jesus' blood," of course) that I was supposed to kneel on or sleep on or stick up my ass or something, then send back to them. With cash.

Shameless shitheads. Somewhere some desperate and extremely stupid person is sleeping with a prayer rug under their bed. I hope the prayer rug people go straight to hell.


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