Wednesday, April 19, 2006


May 23rd, 2006

Jackson attorney Judith Kristie Smith, 37, and Thomas Randy Clark, 33, both of Vicksburg were charged with a drive-by shooting that happened at about 12:30 a.m. in Ridgeland. Witnesses say the couple chased down another vehicle following a fender-bender in the parking lot of Krystal Restaurant on East County Line Road and opened fire, injuring the driver. Susan Wiltshire, 22, of Brandon suffered a gunshot wound to her left arm. Two passengers, Elizabeth Wiltshire and Joseph Turnage, both 19, were unharmed.

On Monday, Elizabeth Wiltshire described the moment shots were fired into her sister's dark blue Toyota as "surreal." She said they were planning to go clubbing Sunday morning when her sister suggested they make a stop at the restaurant. While in the drive-thru, a light-blue Jaguar XJ8 struck the Toyota from behind. When she got out to inspect their vehicle for damage, passengers in the Jaguar began yelling at her, she said.

When they left the restaurant, Elizabeth Wiltshire said the Jaguar followed. "They screeched and broke tread out of the parking lot. They were chasing and taunting us."

Susan Wiltshire was heading north on Old Canton Road when the Jaguar pulled up beside her vehicle and one of the occupants allegedly fired several shots.

It’s a toddlin’ town, for sure.

Now, I know – no matter what they say - the kids that got shot were probably yelling and flipping them off and just being teenagers. I mean – who wouldn’t be?

So on Monday, this Clark fellow pleads guilty to this. “A surprise guilty plea” was how the paper reported it. But he told the court he was provoked at the time of the incident. The local D.A. commented that all this time this white trash bastard has been demanding a trial. His attorney has noted that this asshole will present the judge with “mitigating circumstances” that led to the shooting. These are:

#1. He was flipped off.
#2. He didn’t know the gun was loaded.

I really wish I could be there to hear how that goes down in the courtroom.

WT: “But your honor, I didn’t think the gun was loaded!”
Judge: “What? Then why the hell are we here? Charges dropped! (the sound of the gavel banging) Court adjourned.”
WT: “But your honor, I was also flipped off by the prosecution’s witness.”
Judge: “Bailiff, arrest that young lady and cut off her middle finger. Then cane her on the steps of the courthouse. When you’re done, fetch us a round of lattes and some hookers!”

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Morning commutes

You've got to love life in a small town.

It is almost guaranteed that if you stick to the same schedule every day, you will start to see people over and over.

This morning, I had this fucker behind me all the way in. He had no clue who I was, because he has the IQ of a grain of sand. I, however, never forget someone who calls me an asshole! But there he was!

He got on the interstate right behind me, so he must live near me. And yes, I will now work on meeting up with him one afternoon and tailing him home. Then I can post his address and hopefully his name and telephone number on this blog, just because I don't think there's anything in the Constitution that says I can't. And he'll appreciate that, since he wants God to bless America (except for the assholes?). Which in my mind also means he doesn't want God to bless any other countries. If he did, then wouldn't his license plate read "God Bless Humanity"?

The weird part is that he was behind me the whole way in, but about four miles from downtown, I started getting the feeling that this was Mr. America. I don't know why. He never got close enough to see, and there are zillions of white Ford SUVs on the roads here. But he sure as hell had no clue. But I was sure enough to get my phone ready before he pulled in front of me. I had to check the license plate, so he got past me before I could snap. Today he was apparently driving the "Bachus 4 wheel buffet", as he was munching down on something (with his mouth open, if I'm not mistaken). I wish I could have snapped his face, just for your viewing pleasure. He looks like such a dickhead. I seriously hope to catch him one afternoon and snap his kids and pet and house.

On another note:

Yesterday, as I was taking my evening constitutional I happened upon an ATM/Debit card laying on the side of the road. I thought that was an odd place for someone to be keeping such an important thing. Anyhow, I picked it up and pocketed it with the full intention of either trying to notify the owner, or taking it to the bank. I figure option B is the best plan since option A would open me up for all kinds of shenanigans if the cardholder ending up being an unsavory individual. They could go buy a bunch of shit and then say I did it. Y'know, it sucks to think like I do sometimes.

But just so you'll not think I am a truly golden god, I did have a momentary lapse later that evening when I rode with my girlfriend to go fill up her car. It would have been so easy to pull that one off, and since gas costs more than uranium it was difficult to get that thought out of my head.

Boy, it's tough being a pillar of strength.

Friday, April 14, 2006

God Bless America


That’s what he yelled at me. Wait – he didn’t yell “God Bless America, asshole!”. He just yelled “asshole!” From his car. But his tag was one of the special tags offered by the state. The best part was the tag number was IQ8. What a moron! My turds have an IQ higher than that!

So traffic on the drive home yesterday was pretty insane. Of course, a traffic jam in Jackson only lasts 20 minutes, versus 3 hours in Houston or L.A. So it’s not like people are getting shot every day. But the drivers here expect instant relief, and it is with amusement that I watch people in traffic, dodging from lane to lane – back and forth – as one lane stops and another moves. I invariably pass them at some point during their pathetic gyrations. They are beneath me.

Anyway, in the midst of the snarl yesterday, there was a car stalled in the passing lane. It was at a 3 lane section where the right lane exits and the middle lane can either exit or go straight. There is also a generous left hand shoulder (where the stalled car should have been). I spotted this about 200 yards away. About 30 yards from the car, Mr. America, in his white Ford Excremention (or whatever huge Ford SUV it was) suddenly pulls from his prime seat in the middle lane to get in front of me in the passing lane – where the stalled car awaits. No signal, no “excuse me” wave. But since I was being better than everyone, I didn’t honk or scowl or shake my fist or yell obscenities through the open windows.

With nary a thought, I turn on my right signal and ease into the lane he had just ejected from. We reached the stalled car at the same time, and as he was slowed by the traffic going around the car on the shoulder, I zipped past in my lane, executed a left signal and an “excuse me” wave and a smile through the window, and continued my journey in the traffic jam ahead of him.

Honks ensued. Many of them! And then, in the stop-start traffic of the rush hour, he pays me back for not endangering his passage in any way by getting about 2 feet behind me and making engine noises. And this was an adult, I might add. God Bless America. Since he was so worried about me being ahead of him, he didn’t bother to notice that there was still traffic in front of me. I was being required to stop, but that just made him madder. Which made me happier! His pain and suffering was an unending source of pleasure to me. I was so disappointed when the traffic finally cleared and he was able to pass me. But not before leaning out his window and calling me an asshole.

Yep, I’m guilty. And also a little late with the phone-cam…

The whole point is that while I can be an asshole in traffic, I’m not a malicious asshole. You have to ask me for it, first. Some days, you actually need to beg me for it. But the drivers that seem to really take it seriously (to me) are the uber-patriot-conservatives. The drivers with the “God Bless America” or “Choose Life” (anti-abortion) tags, or the different varieties of support ribbons next to Jesus fish. I have seen more than one case (not directed at me) of a “Choose Life” driver flipping off someone else! What does that say? And I can safely say that in my experience, not one “I Care For Animals” tagged driver has ever gone into type-A mode in front of me during high stress driving maneuvers. Maybe Mr. America needs a little pet therapy?

Speaking of tags, I wonder if it would be possible for me to get a “Choose Death” tag?

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

'Tis the season to see Charlton.

Heston, that is. They say he’s one bad muthah-… Shut yo’ mouth! I’m just talking ‘bout Chuck… We can dig it!

I was reading with interest Neil Kramer’s post comparing Easter to Passover. One of his categories was “Holiday Movie – Easter vs. Passover”. His notion is that while the Jews had C.B. DeMille’s “The Ten Commandments”, the gentiles have Mel Gibson’s “The Passion Of The Christ”. While I think Neil is one of the best bloggers around, I took umbrage to this. My point is that for Easter movies, you should look no farther than “Ben-Hur”. ‘Nuff said.

What says Easter more than chariot races and lepers? Or Stephen Boyd and his oh so painful death scene, covered in cherry jell-o and croaking and squirming? Now don’t get me wrong – “The 10 Commandments” is a fine movie, and the definitive Passover movie. I would dare say that, pound for pound, it is clearly a much better movie than “Ben-Hur”. Therefore, I must agree that even though I am so white-bread that it hurts, Passover wins - at least in the movie category. So let it be written, so let it be done...


B-H is slow (except for the galley scenes and the chariot races). 10-C is pretty much action packed (althought the action is kind of slow, like during the exodus).

B-H stars Stephen Boyd, Jack Hawkins, Haya Harareet and Hugh Griffith. 10-C has Yul Brynner, E.G. Robinson, John Carradine, Yvonne Decarlo, Vincent Price, and the always oiled John Derek.

In B-H, Jesus, Masalla (Boyd) and a few sailors get killed. In 10-C, the entire Egyptian army, lots of slaves and the first born males (twice) get snuffed.

B-H is pretty much made up to the point of the crucifixion. 10-C is Old Testament. And it has the green "creeping death".

I could go on, but to what end?

Not long after “The Ten Commandments” and “Ben-Hur”, Chaz played John The Baptist in “The Greatest Story Ever Told”. Was he typecasting himself in religious films for a reason? Perhaps to court the NRA 2 decades early? But his life took a strange turn in the late sixties. “Planet Of The Apes”, “Beneath The Planet Of The Apes”, “The Omega Man”, and then the piece de résistance – “Soylent Green”. Of course, there were some other movies during those times – “Skyjacked”, “Julies Caesar”, “Antony And Cleopatra” (he played Marc Antony in both – a sub typecast?).

But nothing – NOTHING I TELL YOU – could ever hold a candle to “Soylent Green”. “IT’S PEEEEEOPLLLLLLLEAHHHHH!” Now that’s some movie-makin’.

Mmmmmm… Furniture…