God Bless America

“Asshole!”

That’s what he yelled at me. Wait – he didn’t yell “God Bless America, asshole!”. He just yelled “asshole!” From his car. But his tag was one of the special tags offered by the state. The best part was the tag number was IQ8. What a moron! My turds have an IQ higher than that!

So traffic on the drive home yesterday was pretty insane. Of course, a traffic jam in Jackson only lasts 20 minutes, versus 3 hours in Houston or L.A. So it’s not like people are getting shot every day. But the drivers here expect instant relief, and it is with amusement that I watch people in traffic, dodging from lane to lane – back and forth – as one lane stops and another moves. I invariably pass them at some point during their pathetic gyrations. They are beneath me.

Anyway, in the midst of the snarl yesterday, there was a car stalled in the passing lane. It was at a 3 lane section where the right lane exits and the middle lane can either exit or go straight. There is also a generous left hand shoulder (where the stalled car should have been). I spotted this about 200 yards away. About 30 yards from the car, Mr. America, in his white Ford Excremention (or whatever huge Ford SUV it was) suddenly pulls from his prime seat in the middle lane to get in front of me in the passing lane – where the stalled car awaits. No signal, no “excuse me” wave. But since I was being better than everyone, I didn’t honk or scowl or shake my fist or yell obscenities through the open windows.

With nary a thought, I turn on my right signal and ease into the lane he had just ejected from. We reached the stalled car at the same time, and as he was slowed by the traffic going around the car on the shoulder, I zipped past in my lane, executed a left signal and an “excuse me” wave and a smile through the window, and continued my journey in the traffic jam ahead of him.

Honks ensued. Many of them! And then, in the stop-start traffic of the rush hour, he pays me back for not endangering his passage in any way by getting about 2 feet behind me and making engine noises. And this was an adult, I might add. God Bless America. Since he was so worried about me being ahead of him, he didn’t bother to notice that there was still traffic in front of me. I was being required to stop, but that just made him madder. Which made me happier! His pain and suffering was an unending source of pleasure to me. I was so disappointed when the traffic finally cleared and he was able to pass me. But not before leaning out his window and calling me an asshole.

Yep, I’m guilty. And also a little late with the phone-cam…

The whole point is that while I can be an asshole in traffic, I’m not a malicious asshole. You have to ask me for it, first. Some days, you actually need to beg me for it. But the drivers that seem to really take it seriously (to me) are the uber-patriot-conservatives. The drivers with the “God Bless America” or “Choose Life” (anti-abortion) tags, or the different varieties of support ribbons next to Jesus fish. I have seen more than one case (not directed at me) of a “Choose Life” driver flipping off someone else! What does that say? And I can safely say that in my experience, not one “I Care For Animals” tagged driver has ever gone into type-A mode in front of me during high stress driving maneuvers. Maybe Mr. America needs a little pet therapy?

Speaking of tags, I wonder if it would be possible for me to get a “Choose Death” tag?