Lessons in Religion

I’m not a Christian.

I guess I was when I was younger, because I was too scared of the alternative. I came by my distaste for organized religion honestly, though. A Baptist preacher pissed me off when I was 8. I haven’t been back in a church, except for a few weddings and funerals, since 1970.

For the record, I don’t think most Christians are stupid. I think some are. I think some Muslims are stupid, but not all. There are stupid Buddhist, Hebrew, Shinto, Voodoo, Mormon and Mayan practitioners, as well as intelligent ones. And what religion would Native Americans practice? I don’t want to leave them out.

My point is that even though I am not religious and I have a hard time understanding what drives members of certain religions, I do not think they are stupid. While I do my best just to be a good guy and not piss over anyone (well, most anyone), I don’t look at them as if they are misled. It is something they need, and if they are happy with it then so be it. “So let it be written. So let it be done.” I do like a good Charlton Heston bible flick, by the way!

So anyway, my girlfriend is a southern transplant. She has lived only in the southern states in her 9 years in this country. As you no doubt know, southern America (not South America) is pretty much Christian country. The Bible Belt. Mississippi is indeed the buckle of said belt. She is always eager to learn, and she has witnessed some shit – good and bad.

She has been to a primitive Pentecostal church. They didn’t “take up the serpent” at that church (she would have returned home, I’m sure) but they did speak in tongues and fall down a lot. She was concerned. She has been to Baptist and Catholic churches. I think she needs to visit a synagogue just to round out her experience. Plus, I think the Hebrews have some cool traditions.

We first met just prior to Easter. She spent Easter with some friends in Louisiana. When she returned, she asked me to explain the whole Easter thing. (Excuse me while I burst into flames!) My ignorance was immediately apparent. About all I could tell her was what I learned from watching “The Ten Commandments” (for the whole passover thing) and "Ben Hur" (the crucifixion) about a hundred times. And what I knew from some of my catholic friends in New Orleans.

Anyway, I did some quick research to try and explain what was going on during the 40 days before ascension (although I promprtly forgot). While muddling through all of that, I discovered that Easter eggs come from the Germanic pagan rituals celebrating the beginning of spring. The Easter bunny and eggs symbolize fertility (oh, that promiscuous bunny!) and the bright colors of the eggs symbolizes the reawakening of the landscape as the winter solstice abates. What is it about Americans and their fondness for pagan rituals that if you call them pagan rituals they think you are a heretic?

But I am a shitty teacher.

When you get right down to it, you can’t go wrong with Edward G. Robinson as Dathan (and don’t forget the brilliant work of Rob Scheider on SNL as “Little Caesar Dathan”), Yul Brynner as Ramses (his best roll until “The Magnificent Seven”), and a brightly oiled John Derek swinging around the tops of the monuments – eye candy to a multitude of female moviegoers during a time when the American female was shedding years of repressed sexuality. And of course, this movie also gave rise to Metallica’s excellent “Creeping Death”. I can remember when I was a kid being so frightened of the green ooze coming through the streets, and the moans and screams and the guy falling down the stairs. A vengeful god! The best!!!!

BTW – in 1969, Brother Bill Causey (who has the same name as a recently arrested pedophile) made the comment in church (Parkway Baptist) that "the reason hippies wear turtleneck sweaters" was “to hide their flea collars!” I gave it up not long after that, when I realized that any fucker could get that gig no matter how much of a fucker they were.

But I sure do like me some Cecil B. DeMille!