Where the hell are the flying cars?

It's a new year, dammit! It just looks the same to me!

Well, okay! I'm different! That's right! The last thing I did in 2005 was exchange bodily fluids! It's also the first thing I did in 2006! I have to be careful! At my age, that could kill me!!!!

So yes indeed, I am grinning like nobody's business!

But fear not! I am not going to waste your precious time with any "guy talk" (although I have to say taking all those years of sexlessness improved my outlook on sex [which is another way of saying "if she's still walkin', I don't know my business!"]).

No - I have decided that I must tell you why I hate foreigners. Nope - not right! I have many friends that are not native to this continent. Hell - technically I am not native to this continent! But no, I have decided that I hate other state's foreigners. Maybe it's foreigners on vacations? I have no idea!

Last week, I spirited my girlfriend (ooooohhh! I like saying that!) out of town for a few days. I had not vacationed in several years, and neither had she. Plus, she works for a Japanese company and they are notorious workaholics AND her boss is a cunt! They are workaholics because they have to deal with a mothership on the other side of the planet (half a day off in time zones). I have no idea why her boss is a cunt, though!

So anyway, because our schedules are what they are, we had to keep it within the region so we could drive. New Orleans is broken, so I thought Atlanta would be good. Big enough to do lots of shopping and nightlife. Plus, we wanted to have at least one night for a dress-up date at a good restaurant. (By the way - just because a restaurant says "proper dress required", it doesn't necessarily mean that you can't wear sweat suits or have your pants halfway down your ass or wear a baseball cap indoors! But that's also another blog...) We had also planned to go see the peach drop at Underground, but we ended up having sex instead. Did I mention that I had sex? That being said, it was an excellent trip. Except for the foreigners.

Now, before I get labeled as some politically incorrect (I am) republican (am not) southerner (definitely), let me explain that I am not some politically incorrect rebuplican southerner. In other words, "shut up, he explained". Let me just say that as far as I am concerned, you are welcome here as long as you aren't trying to knock down our buildings or radiating the populace by blowing up cobalt bombs. I am all about the "melting pot" philosophy. But just because your country's culture may require you to be a rude asshole when you are on the streets of whatever third-world piece of shit hell hole you left behind doesn't mean that you bring that crap to me. You are in the South, goddammit! (Well, Atlanta's no longer a southern town, I guess...) But down here, we say hello to people, or smile. You no doubt noticed that I not only held the door open for you and your abused and neglected wife, but also for the African-American (too PC? Negro is still easier to say!) couple in front of you! And their ancestors were enslaved by mine! Yet they still managed a "thank you"! And a smile! Because I was smiling at them, maybe? But don't look at me like I need to be washing the oil-well residue off your fucking BMW instead of staying in the same hotel as you! Eat shit, fucker! And you apparently know enough English to check in, so don't use that as an excuse!

Ahhhh... It's good to be back.

It turns out that the nicest people in Atlanta (other than the staff at Fellini's Pizza - but I already new that one!) were the hotel housekeeping staff. I had a wonderful time chatting it up with a young lady bearing towels in the elevator on New Year's day! The desk staff left a little to be desired. And the ancient white bell captain can kiss my ass. (Maybe he has a bigger problem with foreigners than I do?) But the (much older) housekeeping lady that interrupted us during sex (did I mention that I had sex?) (and that I was still having sex at 10:30?) was equally nice, but I didn't have much opportunity to talk to her through the half-inch crack in the door. But I would like to thank the housekeeping staff for being good people. You must be from the south.

But back to the foreigner thing. Here's where I sound like the right-winder that I am not. Make that right-winger. That I am most certainly not.

When you come here, try to learn these 3 phrases - "Hello", "Thank You", "Goodbye". It would be great if you could communicate in English, but I have learned that a large portion of the citizenry of the U.S. can't communicate in English. I mean people with English as their first language! But that's another blog... However, you are more than welcome (as far as I'm concerned) to come here and continue your "English As A Second Language" studies if you are planning on living here. If you are vacationing, then the above 3 phrases (and a willingness to experiment in hand signals) will get you extremely far in my book. (When I meet new Japanese students at the ELI at USM, I immediately teach them how to say "Hey y'all". Occasionally I get them as far as "how's your mama 'n' them?".) But for fuck's sake - just because you might come from a place where it's possible that someone smiles and nods at you and says the local equivalent of "hey" just prior to caning, flogging or beheading you doesn't mean you shouldn't do your homework before visiting to learn that, yes, there are some areas of the US where strangers say hello to other strangers! Hell, I say "hi" to strangers in New York! Sure, it brands me as a rube, but what the fuck do I care. I figure I'm giving them a good story for when they get home that night!

So on Sunday, we drove back home. I love driving with my girl, because when she gets sleepy, she wraps both her arms around my right arm and goes to sleep on my shoulder. But it was a grey, cloudy day and I was driving back roads instead of interstates. It took forever, but I was just prolonging the moment when we would be separated for the first time in 5 days. We stopped in Anniston to get some food and also to have 2 redneck crackers and their redneck cracker whores make some snide comments about my girlfriend's nationality that I didn't quite catch until one of the crackers started doing lots of throat clearing (in the American redneck fucker's signal for "shut up - he's listening"). But she was cool with it (because she's fucking awesome!) and just chalked it up to Alabama being full of ignorant RC/RCW pieces of shit. We got back on the road and stopped in Meridian for gas and snacks. In the store, I ran into a man and his son, both of a Latin-American persuasion, at the drink cooler. The young boy was speaking rapid-fire Spanish, proudly extolling the virtues of the candy bar that he was preparing to purchase. Out of habit I smiled, nodded and said "hey" to the father, and he smiled, and nodded back. No "hey", but I still wanted to hug him! I like our foreigners! I hate everyone else's foreigners!

So, except for the sex (I'm pretty sure I mentioned that I had sex!), 2006 looks pretty much the same as 2005. And now that I have a girlfriend, I have decided that I need a fiance. That's something I will have to work on this year. And dropping the five pounds of cookies, cake, ice-cream and strawberries and cream frappucinos that I seem to have collected during the holidays.

Rock on!